Welcome to your weekly movie horoscope with Madame Millie Kilakilarney. She will point you in the direction of the films you need to watch this week according to the astrological charts she keeps on her bedroom wall. If it's in the stars or on the silver screen, she knows about it!

Girls Like Toys, Vol. 2Aries (March 21st-April 19th): I'm so happy you can crack yourself up on a regular basis. Sure, you are a funny guy, Aries. But no one thinks that more so than you do. Telling jokes is a ritual that you've set up for yourself. That's fine and all, but you better be careful. One of your slight observations could get you in trouble this week. You are going to say something you shouldn't have, and it could cost you a job or a long-standing friendship. Be mindful of your tongue. Stay focused on your work, and stop trying so hard to conjure up witty comebacks. Go to Spencer's Gifts. Get yourself a toy to occupy your time with. Anything will do. Your film of the week: Girls Like Toys, Vol. 2

Taurus (April 20th-May 20th): You are pretty good at keeping secrets, Taurus. Too bad you can't keep them from eating away at you. What you did was bad for all involved. This week is about true and utter redemption. You have to figure out a way to account for your misdeeds in the past. If you don't solve this internal problem, emotions are going to seep out and into the floorboards. Where they will affect everyone. Your stomach hurts for a reason. You are denying yourself the chance to be happy. You need to lift this weight off your shoulders now, and forge ahead with your life. There are far too many projects waiting in the wings. Each and every one of them needs your acute attention. Stop fussing with the pass, shake hands with your sins, and move on. It's really the only way to live. Your film of the week: Seven Pounds [Blu-ray] [Includes Digital Copy]

Not Quite Innocent Desires 3Gemini (May 21st-June 21st): Gemini, you dirty, dirty slut. You always want what you can't have, and this week, you want some dirty business to ease itself into your play area. Are you man enough to handle the consequences? If so, you better pull those dirty knockers down, quick. This passion play isn't going to survive in the mist of your own anticipation for too long. You have many a suitor waiting to fulfill your every desire this week. Your moon is in high orbit, and someone special (i.e.: hot and sexy) wants to tickle the crease. All you need is a good attitude, a hot wax, and a pair of running shoes. Yes, she is looking for a chase. Just remember: When you catch her the reward is going to be grand. Brother, this week is going to put you back into the full swing of things. Your film of the week: Not Quite Innocent Desires 3

Cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd): You are a lover, cancer. And you never forget past relationships, even when you move on to bigger and better things. That's why you will be stymied this week. A stranger from the past is going to come lurking around your office window. They will be looking for the old you. Don't give it to them. Stay true to the ones that are with you now. Delving too deep into your past is going to drudge up a lot of awful feelings you might not be prepared to deal with. Sure, a visit from a bygone era might seem like a pleasure trip. And it will feel good for a while. But soon, you will create a giant mess of unnecessary emotions for yourself. And for others. Take a hot bath, rub one out, and them forge ahead. When you see past lovers, wave and nod, and get a move on. It's for the best. Your film of the week: Tell No One

Marley & MeLeo (July 23rd-August 22nd): Well, well, Leo. Aren't you a handsome devil? This week, you will be forced into a brand new relationship. On the outset, it will seem unnecessary and painful. It's a friendly handshake that comes tagged with prickly splinters and a mouth full of soap. Friends are strange creatures. While someone may look like a complete nuisance right now, you will find them to be quite loyal in the long run. Yes, there is a true companion awaiting your supportive feedback. Encouragement could turn that louse of a buddy into an upstanding member of society. Though it might be tough to run with this dickhead, don't give in to your own abandonment issues. See things through to the end, and you just might make a friend for life. Your film of the week: Marley & Me [Bad Dog Edition] [2 Discs] [Includes Digital Copy]

Virgo (August 23rd-September 22nd): You've been down for far too long, Virgo. It's about time you pulled up your bootstraps and realized your potential. You are a winner. And the world owes you a huge debt. Its time to start collecting. Don't let any lucrative opportunities pass you buy. Dive into every project head first, and don't come up for air until you see some results. Things are going to start turning around in your favor this week. You need to be ready to accept this impending windfall. Make a little extra room in your pocket, and spare no expense. Its time to become the girl you've always dreamed of being. And by the end of the day, you might even have a nice yacht to show for it. Your film of the week: Slumdog Millionaire

TimecrimesLibra (September 23rd-October 23rd): Its time. Yes, you need to get a watch, and organize your day accordingly. Right now, you're all over the place. One minute, you are concentrating on that important proposal. The next minute, you are on the phone talking about your weekend boat trip. I know you don't like daily organizers of any sort, but you need to sort this business out. You are running on borrowed time, and all of your future projects will be damaged by your indecisiveness. Take your day and break it apart. Schedule phone calls and business meetings, and keep all of your appointments. Get your work done, and you will have more time to play on the weekends. It's as simple as that. Your film of the week: Timecrimes

Scorpio (October 24th-November 21): You are always so serious, Scorpio. You need to lighten up and let some laughter back into your life. I know you have plans, and you need to carry them out piece by piece. Right now, you don't feel you have the time needed to make yourself, or anyone else, happy. Well, it simply isn't true. You need to shake off some of this self-imposed pressure and force a smile on your face. It will surprise not only your co-workers, but yourself as well. Everything isn't always in dire straights. As soon as you understand this, you will be able to open yourself up to the world a little bit more easily. It might be a surprise to everyone, but you do have a bit of fun locked deep inside your chest. It just needs to be let out every once in a while. Don't let yourself down. Tell a joke. You've earned the right. Your film of the week: Jim Gaffigan: King Baby

OrgeSagittarius (November 22nd-December 21st): Uh-oh, Sagittarius. You have a secret admirer. And guess what? You already know who it is. Yes, flowers and other inconsequential items might be arriving on your doorstep in bulk this week. While the card may read "anonymous", the sender is somewhere very close to you. Not to worry, it's not the creepy guy that always follows you into the elevator after everyone's gone home. He doesn't have the money for secret gifts. It's actually someone you've had your eye on for quite sometime. Put that work down and become a detective. Figuring out the identity of this new love interest is going to open your world to a trillion new possibilities. Get a jump-start on your new love life. Accept the gifts. Eat that salty chocolate. Your film of the week: Other End of the Line

Capricorn (December 22nd-January 19th): You woke up. You rubbed the sleep crust out of your eyes. Yet, you still don't feel like yourself today, Cappy. Why is everything irritating you so much? I don't have a remedy for this insolvent attitude you've worked yourself into. People best stay out of your way, and vice versa. If you take this nasty demeanor into work, it could cause trouble for you and a co-worker. Its best that you stay hidden behind your cubicle until this storm passes overhead. You've got a tiny little monster growing inside of your stomach, and when it bursts forth, folks aren't going to be happy. Treat yourself to two donuts. That should do the trick. For a while. Force a smile, even if you don't mean it. Your film of the week: Ogre [Unrated]

Crazy AnimalAquarius (January 20th-February 18th): You need to get away from the stressfulness of life, Aquarius. Its time for a much needed beach weekend. Sometime in the next seven days, you need to ask for some time off, then pack a day bag full of suntan lotion and snacks. The sand, the cool breeze on your face, the sun, and the waves. It is all there to rejuvenate you. Forget about seeing a physiatrist. It isn't necessary. All you need is a good half-day strolling through the seaside port of some small resort town. It doesn't even need to be a full-blown vacation. Just a little "you" time to recharge those batteries. Get a move on. The quicker you free your drowsy spirit from this miserable world, the sooner you will be coming up with all sorts of proposals for work. Your brain is an ion sequence. Plug it into the wall of relaxation, and watch yourself become charged anew. Your film of the week: California Dreams: Seasons 1 & 2 [5 Discs]

Pisces (February 19th-March 20th): Haha, you've got everyone fooled, don't you, Pisces? Everyone thinks you are the innocent little wiseacre from Iowa. Well, its time to stop pretending and unleash the beast that is the real you. Start to show some confidence in yourself, and the animal is going to come crawling out. Everyone is waiting for it. They can sense a change coming from deep within your ribcage. Don't disappoint. Jump up on the table and start howling. Kick over some shit, and beat your fists against the wall. Don't go too crazy. Make sure everyone is having a good time in life, and you will be rewarded beyond any means you are currently accustomed too. People like you. They are going to fall for you even harder when they see what you are truly capable of. Open yourself to new experiences, and the world will be yours. Your film of the week: Crazy Animal

(Remember, all of these movies can be purchased directly from us using the links provided!)

B. Alan Orange at Movieweb
B. Alan Orange