Welcome to your weekly movie horoscope with Madame Millie Kilakilarney. She will point you in the direction of the DVDs you need to watch this week according to the astrological charts she keeps on her bedroom wall. If it's in the stars or on store shelves, she knows about it!

Haunted AirmanAries (March 21st-April 19th): Guess what, Aires? You can't hide from the things you've done. Sadly, this week, you are going to want to do just that. You've made some poor decisions in the recent past. Some moments of validity were tossed out of your control. Too bad, because you were the only one that could have saved these horrible hours like a pickled fetus in a fruit jar. My advice to you? Don't run. Take everything into account, and figure out the best way to deal with this mess you've made on your best friend's carpet. It's not all bad. Some shinning moments of self-awareness will arise from this particular juncture. Just remember: In the future, you might want to think twice before seeking revenge. Your DVD of the week: Haunted Airman

Taurus (April 20th-May 20th): It's too late, Taurus. Once you are in, there is no way out. So, obviously, you should have thought about your plans a little bit more carefully. The vacation you are heading out on this week is definitely going to hit a snag. Why? Because you didn't arrange appropriately enough for it not to suck. Now, you will be stuck in a place you don't want to be, with people that have no interest in you and your horrible Taurus stories. You should looked at pictures of your hotel on the Internet before agreeing to the high price of any shithole room. And you should peruse the menus of most restaurants before you decide to take a seat in one. This is your problem now. You want everything to be so perfect, yet you never take the time to see it through. Shame on you. Deal with what you've done. Your DVD of the week: Killing Room

PlaymobileGemini (May 21st-June 21st): Its true, Gemini. Some guys have all the luck. So sad, too bad. That guy will never be you. I know you've been harboring this lady crush for a while. And I know you truly believe this week is going to offer a big breakthrough in communicating with your wanton love. But you better put the reigns on it right now unless you want to get squashed like a bug. Your paramour is not who you think she is. She is a cruel, wicked louse that wants nothing to do with you. No matter what. Take my advice. Take that hulking husk of yours and plop in down in front of the couch for a cool seven-day movie marathon. It will certainly make you feel more alive and accomplished. Heed this warning: Make your lust crush move now, and your heart is sure to turn black forever. Your DVD of the week: Crush[ed]

Cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd): Holy Christ, you fucking wanker! What have you gone and done with all the real Caners of the world? You are an imposter. I bet they don't even sell you in a real store. To get your branded sort of wickedness, we'd have to go to one of these educational toyshops that sell boring toys. Damn it, "supposed" Cancer, why can't you get your shit in shape? You are pissing everyone off this week including me. That is why I am not even going to bother giving you something helpful to watch. You'd just toss it in your bedroom without its case and let it get all scratched up, anyway. You're that kind of dickhead. Here, you know what? I will make this your DVD to watch this week. Cause it looks like purely unacceptable entertainment: Playmobil: The Secret of Pirate Island

InfestationLeo (July 23rd-August 22nd): Holy cow, Leo! You certainly haven't been prepared for global swarming! How did you let your work environment get so out of control? This is supposed to be a recession. If that's true, then why are there so many new co-workers in your lunchroom? Look at them all. They pretend to like you (and you're a hard fellow to hate), but damn! They just want to close you down like a bank on a Sunday. Stay mindful of your work this week. Make sure all of your Ts are crossed, and your Is are dotted. You're going to have to work harder than ever before to get noticed in this place, and fuck, dude! Everyone notices you. Put your nose to the grindstone for a change, and make damn sure you get the best job in that paper tray before closing time. Otherwise, your whole economic world could come crashing down on your face. Your DVD of the week: Infestation

Virgo (August 23rd-September 22nd): Dear Virgo, its okay for you and your siblings to have a dysfunctional relationship. It's the nature of the beast. Sometimes you argue, and sometimes you fight. But this week, its all about play. Stop airing your grievances in public and grab your bro and sis for a group hug. Wait, actually...I want you to do more than that. Take a field trip with them. Or better yet, why don't you guys go on a full-fledged exotic vacation and pick up some hookers. A communal hand job between two brothers and a Taiwanese call girl never hurt a relationship. It will only strengthen it and ensured its longevity. What are you waiting for. Book your flight today! Your DVD of the week: Elephant King

New World OrderLibra (September 23rd-October 23rd): What the heck, Libra? Why are people always trying to crawl into your kind little world and rearrange everything? They tell you lies and pretend to be your friend. What do you believe? Well, you should believe in your heart. Someone is going to come in and try to shake your foundation this week. Don't let them. Stand your ground, and cook that Jiffy Pop at the temperature you feel is adequate. These evil forces of nature don't really want anything from you except your firm footing in this world. Tell them to get lost and stick to your guns, missy. Otherwise, your whole way of life will be tossed out that open window without a second thought. And that's just rude behavior. Your DVD of the week: New World Order

Scorpio (October 24th-November 21): You are so rude, Scorpio. Seriously, would it kill you to love instead of hate this week? Sure, everyone is getting on your nerves. And nobody ever completes the menial tasks you find so irritating. You are too set in your ways. You need to bust open this head gasket and let out some steam. So what if your cubicle mate is a harrowing bitch? Buy her a bag of chips and tell her you want to be her friend. You might discover that you two have more in common than you thought. Surliness will only get you so far in this world. Crack open a couple of eggs and make a sunny breakfast friendship sandwich. Otherwise, you will be stuck wallowing in this misery you've created for yourself. And yourself alone. Your DVD of the week: Nobody Loves Alice [Director's Cut]

How to Be a Serial KillerSagittarius (November 22nd-December 21st): These walls are not of your making, Sagittarius. You've let your family come in and destroy all aspects of inner peace. Which isn't going to bode well this week. You are bound to fly off the hinges at any given moment, and that certainly will make your domestic existence a living hell. My advice to you? Take a break from your so-called precious loved ones. Hide from them. Take a leave of absence. Whatever you do, don't engage in any weird mind games they might impose upon your tender skull. It will lead everything down a dark and destructive path. Only do the bare minimum of your responsibilities this week. Accomplish little, and they will see how hard they've been on you. And how important you are in their survival of this world. Your DVD of the week: Drag Me to Hell [2 Discs] [Includes Digital Copy] [Blu-ray]

Capricorn (December 22nd-January 19th): It's about time you got some new skills this week, Capricorn. I'm talking about people skills, and not just the useful friendly kind. A rush of weirdoes is going to slowly overtake both your home and your workplace. They will be irritating to the point of noncompliance. They will disrupt your work place, and make a sham of your current life. What can you do? Kill them with kindness, of course! Show them whose boss. Decimate their unruliness, and put them in their rightful place. The ground! Don't let a bunch of douche dinkies get the best of you. Show them the back end of your shovel. Do it, it won't hurt them to know they deserve to die. Metaphorically speaking, of course. Your DVD of the week: How to Be a Serial Killer

Mighty BooshAquarius (January 20th-February 18th): Is it always going to be dark clouds and black fingernail polish for you, Aquarius? Why are you always so bummed out? No pants? No shoes? Fuck authority, this shouldn't be a problem. You keep looking at the down side of everything. Well, missy, I want you to turn that frown upside down and start dancing on your desk. Life is a party, not a handful of downers. Don't overdose on your own morbid self-deception. It's bringing everyone down including me. Buck up and sail the roses, fuck face. Otherwise, I am going to crawl through this computer screen and give you something to really cry about. Lets go! Lets have fun and never look back. If you don't take this bait, you are going to be nothing but a huffed up sissy for the rest of your life. Your DVD of the week: National Lampoon Presents: Endless Bummer

Pisces (February 19th-March 20th): I know it sucks being at the bottom of the astrological charts, Pisces. You always get stuck with the worst DVD choices of the week, because we've already doled all the good stuff out to those more fortunate foes that don't happen to befall your bed type. Well guess what? Nothing out of the ordinary is going to happen to you this week. That's why I have picked something great out of this week's dvd crate. Its something you'll definitely want to see, and you have plenty of time for it. So stop beating this black heart against that old T-shirt of yours. Take a look at this exciting seven-day endeavored. Yes! Your DVD of the week: Mighty Boosh: Seasons 1-3 [7 Discs]

(Remember, all of these movies can be purchased directly from us using the links provided!)

B. Alan Orange at Movieweb
B. Alan Orange