Welcome to your weekly movie horoscope with Madame Millie Kilakilarney. She will point you in the direction of the DVDs you need to watch this week according to the astrological charts she keeps on her bedroom wall. If it's in the stars or on store shelves, she knows about it!

HardwareAries (March 21st-April 19th): This is not a good week for traveling, Aries. Yes, it's true. You'd better hole yourself up in your room. Take a couple of sick days, because even getting to work is going to prove to be a chore. Heck, I'd recommend taking the whole rest of this week off. Get a nice, new comfy pillow, and stay on the couch. Watch a couple of horror movies. Do you see what is happening to those people on screen? That could be happening to you if you take the wrong turn, or accidentally get lost on your way into the city. Heck, you might not even want to hit the fast food drive-through line. I have a strange suspicion that someone might hock a loogy on your Quarter Pounder. It's certainly best if you just stay put and don't answer the phone. At all. Your DVD of the week: Wrong Turn 3 [Blu-ray]

Taurus (April 20th-May 20th): What's this, Taurus? You've been burying important information at work simply so your co-workers couldn't advance with they're current assignment? That's so wrong on so many levels. Guess what, dear? You can't stop progress. In doling out busy work, thus putting a cap on any and all creativity from your team, you are limiting yourself and any potential growth you may acquire from this current bout of employment. In fact, if you keep damning this water well of new and exciting ideas, you just might put everyone you know in a soup kitchen bread line. Do you want that? Sure, they have some cool shoes at the consortium, but you don't want to be a bum. In this day and age, it's a hard occupation to shake once you've accepted the assignment. Your DVD of the week: Hardware

SlutfestGemini (May 21st-June 21st): God damn it, Gemini! Why do you feel it necessary to whore yourself out at every turn? Sure, you seem to be doing your loved ones and co-workers a favor. But seriously, you're just being taken advantage of. Someone is going to ask something sick of you this week. You'll be inclined to accept the challenge simply because you think you are making friends. Well, guess what? They don't like you, and they just want to see you make a fool of yourself. Get some self-respect. Pull on that late winter wool cap and take to the streets with a sweeper. Get some of these bad elements out of your life, and create a new path for yourself. I only want you doing what's best for you, personally. Just because your co-workers like seeing you come to work in a short skirt doesn't mean you always have to do it. It's fucking cold outside. Put on some pants for a change. Your DVD of the week is: Slutfest: Strippers Gone Wild, Vol. 9

Cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd): Well look you at you, Ms. Crab. You've finally figured out a way to work with your coworkers as a team. Well, guess what? It's going to turn around and bite you on the ass. You know that old saying, "Every man for himself?" That goes for young ladies in the workforce, too. You better watch your back, and your donut stash. There is someone lurking around your desk looking to take your best ideas and use them as their own. You need to weed this sucker bitch out of the pack. Stay true to your best friends in the work place. But don't let anyone take advantage of you. You are in line for a promotion. Don't let it get stolen out from under your fat lazy ass. You here me, girlfriend? Your DVD of the week: Crew

Blood: The Last VampireLeo (July 23rd-August 22nd): Someone is going to shit in your sandwich this week, Leo. Don't take it personally. They don't hate you. They just hate all the attention you get on a constant basis. They can't deal with you being Mr. Popular twenty-four seven. Yes, this means that it's someone close to you. Yes, this means its someone you'd never expect. They did it in a moment of rushed grievance. They are sorry for what they've done, and if they had a few minutes to rethink they're decision, they wouldn't have stank up your lunch box with such hurtful grace. Just leave it be, my good man. Some mysteries are better left unsolved. Go about your business. Maybe date one less chick this week, and everything will return to the swimmy dream that has served you so well for so many years. Your DVD of the week: Blood Ties

Virgo (August 23rd-September 22nd): People never expect you to be the hero, Virgo. That's why this week will be bittersweet. You are going to pull off an act of bravery befitting a Viking. Sadly, no one will be there to see it. And no one is going to believe you. Boast all you want, but you don't really strike your core crowd of friends as a monster slayer. Sure, the police know you've done well for your community. You've put a certain criminal to rest. And he'll want revenge. Don't worry, your safe and in the clear. Besides, when the news hits the streets that the most notorious child rapist in all of history is looking for you, Val Johnson, everyone is going to think its some other Val Johnson. You'll be off the hook. All the rewards and none of the repercussions. Be glad for your ability to act fast, Virgo. Just don't dwell on the meaning behind it. Your DVD of the week: Blood: The Last Vampire [Blu-ray]

RavageLibra (September 23rd-October 23rd): Uh oh, Libra. Your relationship is headed for rough waters this week. Something is going to be said that can never be taken back. Will you be able to forgive and forget? Or will you carry this chip on your shoulder for all eternity? Well, I will tell you this much. If you dive into the closet to get away from your mate, you'll be doing yourself a world of hurt. What happened wasn't actually all that bad, and will have long lasting repercussions that you'll never be aware of. Believe me when I tell you, every chain reaction is a good means to solidifying this bond you've created. Don't throw it all away now because of some foul language. You may never get another chance to love in quite the same way again. Your DVD of the week: Hurricane in the Rose Garden

Scorpio (October 24th-November 21): In your quest to be liked, you will run into a little snag this week, Scorpio. Which so isn't like you. At some point, you will happen upon a handsome gent. And you won't be able to get him off your mind. It's not like you to fall so hard you split open your kneecaps. But that's exactly how this scenario is bound to play out. He'll ask you to get on your knees, and you will oblige. He will ask to tie you up, and you will think its fun, for a while. Until he ravages you and leaves you to rott in some whorey backwoods hotel. Scared yet? I would be. Just because he's handsome doesn't mean he's nice. Get a grip on your superficial attitude. That ugly dude you never talk to just might save you from this mess. Your DVD of the week: Ravage the Scream Queen

DirtbagsSagittarius (November 22nd-December 21st): You skuzzy old uncle, you! Sagittarius, I cannot believe what you tried to pull at last week's work picnic. Hitting on the boss' underage daughter. And then having your way with a co-worker's wife in the dirty bathrooms near the edge of the park. You've never been this low down and dusty before. But I like it. Keep up the amoral activities you've suddenly become interested in, and you will dig the shit out of your life. Seriously, what do you have to lose? Your job, your friends, your lover? Ah, who needs them. Get out there and go crazy. You've deserved this for a long time, and I'm not going to stop you. Wait. Maybe you want to cut your hair. It's looking kind of gross. Oh, don't worry about it. It only adds to your scumbag mystique. We ladies love it. Evil never felt so good! Your DVD of the week: Dirtbags

Capricorn (December 22nd-January 19th): The only thing that gets you through the day is starring at your co-workers. You keep imagining these nasty trysts that never come to fruition. You want to have your way with all of them in the men's room. Even the beefy chick that runs the Xerox machine, and the honey drip twig in the mailroom. Well, why don't you do something about it? You only live once, and you can always get another job if things don't work out. There is a lot of fun to be had between two legs. Stop being such a chicken and dive into the wealth of women in your office. Guess what? They are as sad and lonely as you could ever hope to be. And they want it just as bad as you do. Make a small hint. And watch the wetness run off on your work slacks. You sick piggy! Your DVD of the week: Naughty Co-Eds: Collector's Edition

Isle of the Snake PeopleAquarius (January 20th-February 18th): You need some new friends, Aquarius. Stat. Its not that your old friends completely suck. It's just that they aren't very interesting, and you fail to recognize this. Are you going to sit, listening to the same old story for the umpteenth time until you die? No, you are going to go out there and mingle with a new crowd. I know this gets harder the older you get, but there are a lot of interesting, lonely people that want to know about your day as much as you want to know about theirs. Start seeking out the weirder places in town. Go into that bar you'd never dare step one foot into. You'll be surprised at what you find waiting on the other side. It will be one hell of a good time, I can tell you that much. And you will be pleased with your own ability to accept different and intriguing people into your life. So what if he seems odd, say hello. You might find the true happiness you've been seeking all along. Your DVD of the week: Isle of the Snake People

Pisces (February 19th-March 20th): Hello, Pisces. Nice to see that you showed up. You certain do have a problem getting to places on time. What is up with that? Why are you so against punctuality? Its only going to get worse the older you get, and it's going to play havoc with your life this week. Being late is going to lose you a promotion. And, it's going to make your lover feel unwanted. Yes, this means he is going to go rushing into the arms of another sooner than you think. You will be devastated, and it could cost you your personal life. That's why you need to invest in a good watch and a train schedule. Figure out when the bus is going to be there, and get on it. Stop dilly-dallying with fucked up shit that no one cares about. Put your eyes back on the prize, and get yourself back in the game. Be on time for once, jackass! Your DVD of the week: Planes, Trains and Automobiles [Those Aren't Pillows Edition]

(Remember, all of these movies can be purchased directly from us using the links provided!)

B. Alan Orange at Movieweb
B. Alan Orange