Welcome to your weekly movie horoscope with Madame Millie Kilakilarney. She will point you in the direction of the DVDs you need to watch this week according to the astrological charts she keeps on her bedroom wall. If it's in the stars or on store shelves, she knows about it!

ScrewballsAries (March 21st-April 19th): You'll be aiming for an unobtainable goal this week, Aires. Realize that all of your co-workers are running towards the same exact destination. They want what rightfully might be yours. You're bound to slip and fall if you don't keep that smile on your face. Humor is your friend. Remember: It's the nuts that always score! If you can joke about the downfall of your fellow man and poke a couple rib ticklers at yourself, you may just find this new promotion waiting in a bag. Always stay on the brighter side of things. When an argument heats up, retaliate with a stinging one liner. It's all about the quips. Carry some in your back pocket, and you'll come out smelling like a new man. With a great, giant prize in your tight, black, back pocket. Your DVD of the week: Screwballs

Taurus (April 20th-May 20th): You are going to feel a boost of much needed self esteem this week, Taurus. For whatever reason, beauty has nestled a spot within your much-sheltered skin. It's bound to cause havoc with your love life. Yes, that new hairdo may call unwanted attention your way. Don't get mad about it. Except that you are turning into a little hottie. Maybe you'll be able to venture beyond Pixie Hollow. Stay true to yourself, but don't let the compliments weigh you down. You deserve them, even if they're coming from a less than satisfactory place. One silent bystander may notice your willingness to take kind words, and work off that towards something beyond expectations. You'll certainly be thrown upwards towars an unexpected plateau. Keep showing teeth and forehead. And keep putting that new fangled goo in your bangs. It will serve you well soon. Your DVD of the week: Tinker Bell and the Lost Treasure

Night of the CreepsGemini (May 21st-June 21st): There are many types of thieves in this world, but the worst one steals your heart and never gives it back. Why do you have to be so cruel, Gemini? Sure, you're kind of sexy in your own little way. But when men start to realize what a jerk you truly are, they'll never want to stick around. You can't go breaking hearts and busting balls every second of every hour. It will lead you to a life of ruin. Take a moment out this week and have a real conversation with someone other than yourself. Get to know one of these calling suitors. Maybe you'll learn how to love again, and fall head over heels in the process. But be cautious. You could chat it up with someone you've spurned in the past. And they will only seek to do you loads of secret harm. Your DVD of the week: Criminal Ways

Cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd): Cancer, this is what you get! A right ugly mess. You've been sleeping around. And with all the wrong people, too! Just because you wanted to feel better about yourself. You think a man's dick in your sneeze trap is an indication of your own self worth. Sadly, you didn't ever look too deeply into these souls you've been cavorting around with. They are not whom they seem to be. You will always be from the wrong side of the tracks. It's in your nature to fuck up. So it should come as no big shock that you've uncovered some real creeps out in the dating world. Heck, maybe you all deserve each other. Your DVD of the week: Night of the Creeps [Director's Cut]

Whatever Works [Blu-ray]Leo (July 23rd-August 22nd): Boy, Leo, you sure do work hard. Which is strange, since everything is basically handed to you on a golden platter. It's never mattered to you, though. You're not one to take a free ride. That's why you are so mature. And well balanced. Well, maybe you should shake some of this seriousness out of your hair for a minute. There is joy to be had this week, and I don't want you missing out because you got your face all screwed up like a scowler, staring at a Xerox machine. Go to the park, get on the merry-go-round, and make yourself sick with dizziness. Get back into the spirit of being a kid, if just for one moment. You need to ease up on the brakes and let yourself ride free. It will do wonders for your work prowess, not to mention your mind and skin. Your DVD of the week: Saturday Morning Cartoons: 1970s, Vol. 2 [2 Discs]

Virgo (August 23rd-September 22nd): In your quest to make everything perfect in this life, you've forgotten how the little mistakes make for the best surprises. You have turned into a perfectionist and a curmudgeon. Your eye is always on the prize, yet the prize isn't worth very much. You know this, that's why you've constantly got that scowl on your face. This week, a breeze of fresh air is going to walk into your life and change things up a bit. Suck it in and savor the flavor. Be nice for just five minutes out of your day, and it may change your life forever. Show the world that there's still a little good left inside your weary bones, and maybe a new love will make everything seem worthwhile. Lighten Up! It's important for all of mankind. Your DVD of the week: Whatever Works [Blu-ray]

Strawberries Need RainLibra (September 23rd-October 23rd): Wellity, wellity, Ms. Libra. Look at the strides you've made recently. Always one to look out for others, isn't it about time you took care of yourself? Stop scratching out a mix in the bathroom and get with a real slow jam. Put your charities on hold, and do something to please yourself for a change. Get up and outside, embark on a new adventure. There are some lovely relationships waiting for you around the corner. You just have to open your eyes to that inner goodness. Shine some of this glowing personal light on yourself for a change. Sure, burn victims and abandoned kittens need your ever-loving heart to see it through in the world. But you need an upper hand too, sometimes. Put on your blinders and get some love while its hot and still in the oven. Your happiness is just as important as everyone else's. Your DVD of the week: Pleasure Shop on 7th Avenue

Scorpio (October 24th-November 21): You've been thinking a lot about death lately, Scorpio. No, of course not your own. But rather, you've been fascinated with the demise of everyone around you. It seems that you get one good hour a day before everything else slides down the shitter. Then you go out and binge on careless, unprotected sex with strangers. What a queer girl you've become. Well, you better watch yourself this week. Your own self-loathing ways may get in the way of God's greater plan. Swinging up and down Broadway with your pierced tongue wagging out may fulfill some weird, insatiable desire at the moment, but it will only bring you ruin in the long run. Yup, you could die soon if you don't watch out. You stupid goober. Keep it in your pants. Your DVD of the week: Strawberries Need Rain

42nd Street Forever, Vol. 5: Alamo Drafthouse CinemaSagittarius (November 22nd-December 21st): You take everything a tad too seriously, Sag! You need to lighten up this week. Don't look everything in the face with such deadpan eyes. People are going to start thinking you are a corpse. Ease up on the ginger juice and start pretending like this life is less painful than it actually is. Do you want to fall into a crevasse of your own making? A deep dark hole of despair that you'll never wallow out of? Life can be a pit of quick sand if you trod too strongly on the foundations that fold your laundry. Spark a match. Get that fire back in your soul. One glimmer of hope shining in your eyes might give you enough courage to go on and make something more out of your life. You handy bag son of a bitch. Your DVD of the week: 42nd Street Forever, Vol. 5: Alamo Drafthouse Cinema

Capricorn (December 22nd-January 19th): You tend to be a bit goofy when you're around the opposite sex. Heck, Capricorn, its as if you can't take anything seriously at all. You are suffering from the exact opposite behavior as your friend, Sagittarius, up there. You think can you can get away with anything, as long as you keep that dumb smile plastered on your face. Smarten up. You're not as dense as you pretend, and pretty soon, someone is going to come calling on your for help. Will you be able to serve them well in this time of need? Get some brains and see your quest through to the end. Otherwise, you might find yourself living on the streets and eating pickled beets. Come on, kid. Get it together! Your DVD of the week: Stan Helsing

Shameless, Tasteless: Trash Cinema from the Soviet UndergroundAquarius (January 20th-February 18th): Ooh, you've got some dirty secrets hidden in your past, don't you Aquarius? Even you can't believe some of the things you've done to entertain the troops. A little bit of flesh here, a tongue twister there. It's a wonder you have any dignity at all. Wait! It's because no one really knows this dark side of you. Well, you better keep all of those dirty little secrets under wraps, because if word gets out, it could have a dire affect on your romantic relationships this week. Someone is gunning for you, and they have some mighty interesting information that you'd never want your kids or grandmother finding out. Don't be mean to anyone. The slightest move to the left, and you could really tick some folks off for the worse. Hold it together, this storm will pass soon enough. Then you can get back to making your underground porno tapes. Your DVD of the week: Shameless, Tasteless: Trash Cinema from the Soviet Underground

Pisces (February 19th-March 20th): I like the way you swing it, Pisces. You're never too crude, yet you bring a certain edge to every party. People like you, yet they don't covet you. You're the perfect specimen. A grand joy to be around, and someone that's always welcome. You need to keep your head down and continue on this path. You'll feel a certain urge to be ornery this week. Let the sensation pass into the midnight hour. Eat some food and keep your mouth full. That way you won't say anything you'll regret later. If you stay on the straight and narrow, pretending to be everyone's favorite friend, you'll survive this sheltered and short life. I give you fifteen minutes before you really screw the pooch, though. For some reason, it's just in your nature. Your DVD of the week: Adult Swim: In a Box [13 Discs]

(Remember, all of these movies can be purchased directly from us using the links provided!)

B. Alan Orange