Welcome to your weekly movie horoscope with Madame Millie Kilakilarney. She will point you in the direction of the DVDs you need to watch this week according to the astrological charts she keeps on her bedroom wall. If it's in the stars or on store shelves, she knows about it!

Dark CountryAries (March 21st-April 19th): It's not safe to pick up strangers, Aries. Nor is it okay to harbor strange ideas and act on them. Especially not this week. Some weirdoes are going to approach you, and at first, you may agree with their strange ideas about life and the way you do things. Take heed, its best to stick to your own moral high ground. Don't change the willingness inside yourself to do the right thing just to impress some hot chick or get back at some douche donkey co-worker. These people never had your best intentions in mind anyway, so walk away form any and all hostile situations. If you find yourself wanting to help an unknown neighbor with a small problem, its best to turn the other cheek and walk away. Your DVD of the week is: Dark Country

Taurus (April 20th-May 20th): There's something new growing inside you, Taurus. While this wellspring of ideas might not appeal to everyone, don't give up on the cause. Sure, your thoughts are potentially dangerous to those not in the know. But fuck them, right? You need to be your own person this week. Just because some folks don't see things as clearly as you do, doesn't mean you're wrong. It'll be hard to get people into your mindset. It always is. But once they see the light, they'll see that you've got the one true answer for all that ails us. Just because your cures come from a dark place doesn't mean they lack merit in this cruel world of overachievers. Do what you think is best, even if it's looming over everyone else like a rain cloud. Your DVD of the week: Assassination of a High School President

It's AliveGemini (May 21st-June 21st): Get yourself some protection this week, Gemini. Rubber is strong, but maybe invest in some spermicidal lubricant too. You'll feel compelled to act on some of your wildest urges in the upcoming days. Make sure those nasty fifteen-minute life vignettes don't produce a keepsake or memento that you'll be hard-pressed to get rid of. You don't want the evil residue of a late one-night stand to grow legs and hound you for food and money. Do you? This isn't a good time for you to visit the prenatal care isle of the grocery store. So either keep it in your pants, do some damage control, or suffer the evil consequences that come with sticking your dick in a mountain of rage. Your DVD of the week: It's Alive [Unrated]

Cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd): Why can't you ever seem to get it together, Cancer? One minute you think you have all the answers in the world, the next minute you are being shunned by your loved ones and co-workers. Though you seem to think you are on the right path at any given moment, you are actually headed down a Hell trail that will lead you to ugly sin. Straighten up and fly right. Perfect this thing called human nature, and get some moral juice back in your bones. You can't be set adrift forever. Even if your family abandons you this week, remember that there is always forgiveness. Justify what you've been doing, or do it another way. Take some life lessons from a humanistic guru. Get your life back on track, or hate yourself forever. It's your choice. Your DVD of the week: Year One [Blu-ray]

GateLeo (July 23rd-August 22nd): Oh, Leo. You truly think you can get away with anything, don't you? You're never on time, yet people love you. You open up the hell mouth and cause havoc for all mankind, and people adore you. Well, this week you are going to slip and blunder like nobody's business. Luckily for you, you're not under anyone's microscope. No one will really notice that its you whose caused such a major traffic jam. But wait, you're not off the hook. Only you can solve the problems you've created. And you're going to have to be stealth about it. Especially if you don't want anyone else finding out. As soon as you see yourself accidentally making a big, bad, irreversible mistake, turn that frown upside down and get to fixing this ruptured hole in the boat. Or we will all sink. Your DVD of the week: Gate [Special Edition]

Virgo (August 23rd-September 22nd): It wouldn't matter if you discovered a new life form or got abducted by aliens, Virgo. Want to know why? Because you are untrustworthy. People think you are a big jokester, and they never believe one word of these weird fairy stories you spout at a moments notice. Something very weird and unusual is going to happen to you this week. But you know what? You might just want to keep it to yourself. If word gets out that you've been playing with the Montauk Monster, or frolicking with Sasquatch, your reputation as a born storyteller is going to proceed you at every junction. How do you expect to ever get a raise or advance in this world when your superiors view you as a less than truthful individual? Get it together. Keep your stupid secrets to yourself for a change. You and I will know the truth, and that's all that matters. Your DVD of the week: Bigfoot

WerewolfLibra (September 23rd-October 23rd): What's the matter, Libra? Do you feel funny inside? Like your body is going through some sort of weird metamorphosis or change? It's certainly that time of the month for both you and your withering flesh. Age is setting in upon your weary shoulders, and those small wrinkles are suddenly looking like highway danger cracks in the glaring light of the bathroom mirror. Yes, you are bound to hit a small midlife crisis this week, and there is nothing you can do about it. Worrying over your graying flesh won't do you any good. And all of the self-help books in the world won't help you cope. Accept that you've gone into the twilight of your youth, and all should be smooth sailing from here on out. Your DVD of the month: Werewolf: The Complete Series [5 Discs]

Scorpio (October 24th-November 21): Why are you so hard on yourself, Scorpio? So what if your boss doesn't like your work ethics? So what if your co-workers think you stink? You know how cool you are. Its time to free yourself from this fake bondage and shake those rubber tits of yours. Crawl out form under the bus of loneliness and start getting into the groove of things. You'll be forced to take an extend business trip this weekend. Do yourself a favor and have fun with it. Don't act like the bitch that gets her work done. Act like the bitch that knows how to party and gets her work done. People will be in awe if you play your cards right. And you might just discover something awesome about that handsome guy you've been ignoring every time you go to get chips from the snack machine. Your DVD of the week: My Life in Ruins [Blu-ray]

Nip/TuckSagittarius (November 22nd-December 21st): Don't worry about what other people are going to think, Sagittarius. You've had a bad go of it for awhile, and its worn you out. You look like a wet rag that could use some wringing. Its time to feel better about your outward appearance. Hurry out to the store and buy some new clothes. Go ahead and start that new diet. Anything you can do to improve your yellowing smile, not to mention your health, will help you cope with the copious amounts of stress facing you in the coming weeks. Heck. Why don't you try on something new, like a tummy tuck or a face injection. If you play coy, people won't think you've had anything done at all. They will simple see a newer, fresher you. Doesn't that sound like a decent change? Your DVD of the week: Nip/Tuck: Season 5, Part Two [3 Discs]

Capricorn (December 22nd-January 19th): You've got to work out if you want to loose some of that summer flab, Capricorn. Yes, we all know you've been sitting in your cubicle all year because you couldn't afford to take a vacation. But that doesn't mean you have to look all fat and pale. Does it? A sudden sinking surprise is going to thrust you into a short window of fame this week. Don't you want to be ready for your close-up? I'm not talking a full-fledged dive into the gym every single night. Why don't you find something you're interested in, and make it a workout? Biking or ping-pong will burn off a couple calories a day. You need to get behind any little thing that is fun and get your circulation pumping again. Otherwise, people are going to start calling you names behind your back. And that will suck. Your DVD of the week: Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders: Power Squad Bod! - Calorie Blasting Dance

One Chance to WinAquarius (January 20th-February 18th): This is it, Aquarius. The one-week of the year you've been looking forward too. This is your moment to shine. I know you want to be the big winner, so you better get your mind in the right thinking pattern. Study up on all the books that will see you crossing the academic finish line first. Get a barbell and get into shape. There will be many different challenges facing you, both mentally and physically. I want you in tiptop shape before the rains of opportunity start pouring down upon your head. You have it in you to be one of the world's biggest all-time over achievers. But why stop there? The sky is your limit. You better be ready for this tidal wave, or I am going to be pissed at you. Your DVD of the week: One Chance to Win

Pisces (February 19th-March 20th): Forget the scandal surrounding your time away from the desk this week, Pisces. So you imbibed in a few extra drinks on your boss' tab? No big deal. Everyone's done it. You are a classy person, and a respected member of your community. If you can't let loose once in a while, then who can? I have a very strong feeling that your superiors will forgive you for any misconduct. It's your competing co-workers that you have to be weary of. They want to bring you down, and once they get word that you had a little too much fun at the company's expense, they will never let it go. Which could hurt your plans for a future raise. Keep it mum, and ask your higher ups if they'll do the same. So what if you don't get to go on the next company picnic. The reasons for your time spent in shame-on-you land certainly make up for it. Your DVD of the week: Chinatown [Centennial Collection] [2 Discs]

(Remember, all of these movies can be purchased directly from us using the links provided!)

B. Alan Orange at Movieweb
B. Alan Orange