Welcome to your weekly movie horoscope with Madame Millie Kilakilarney. She will point you in the direction of the DVDs you need to watch this week according to the astrological charts she keeps on her bedroom wall. If it's in the stars or on store shelves, she knows about it!

Albino FarmAries (March 21st-April 19th): Don't be too shocked, it's true. A lot of people harbor misconceptions about you. Myths or legends? You carry some might powerful weight in your back pocket. Some people love you, some people hate you, but most are weary of these so-called fairy stories that linger around your upper torso. Is what they say true? Did you really do that? Could you? Would you? Face it, kid. You are sort of an enigma to the people you work with. You come in, get the job done, and leave a trail of communal chatter in your wake. Why not expose the real you and let them in on all the horrible secrets? It will boost your energy levels and make you the most feared girl at the photocopy machine. Go ahead, open up about your past. What do you really have to hide? Your DVD of the week: Albino Farm

Taurus (April 20th-May 20th): You'll have a bloody good time this week, Taurus. Its time to drop trau and say hello to a little thing called fun. You've had this ugly, pent up rage dwelling deep inside you for months now, and it's all because you've failed at attending the weekend as a true warrior. If you don't shake off these cobwebs and shake up your dull personal life, you are going to dwindle into a soft pink nub of nothingness. Toss that keyboard aside, dump out that stale coffee, and head for the door on your lunch break. Now, don't come back for a while. Tell your boss you have a doctor's appointment and enjoy the rest of your day doing...Wait for it...Nothing! Your DVD of the week: Wizards on Deck with Hannah Montana

Observe and ReportGemini (May 21st-June 21st): It's funny you haven't ever realized how important this job is to you and your wellbeing. You truly love it down at the pawnshop, or the Burger King, or the Home Depot. Wherever it is you work, that's your paying gig, and you dig it. For whatever bizarre reason. But you better listen up. Some unsuspected force of evil is going to wiggle its way into your life this week, and everything will be thrown into chaos. Your means of being will be tossed into a quagmire of non-conformity, and your livelihood will feel threatened. Not to worry. Barricade yourself behind the bookshelf, keep busy, and this storm will pass. Your DVD of the week: Battle for Terra

Cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd): It's true. Though you are but a tiny cog in this wheel called the world, your presence is definitely needed on a daily basis. Your faith may be shook this week, and you may lose any and all hope within your shell of a self. But don't let small things degrade or retard your simple way of life. Keep your nose to the grindstone and do as you're told. You are part of this butterfly effect, and if you go spinning into the canyon of craziness, everything else will fail in your wake. Keep chugging along this mundane path, and you will find true enlightenment. So what if it comes wrapped in chocolate and filled with crème? There are worse things in the world. Your DVD of the week: Observe and Report

El SuperbeastoLeo (July 23rd-August 22nd): Wow, Leo, you little philanderer. I knew people loved you, I just never realized how much. You've had a girlfriend in ever port of call in this city, and this state. Heck, you've tossed your apple seed clear across this great country of ours. I sure hope it was fun, because this week, you aren't going to be revisited by just one of these sore little ladies looking for retribution. You are going to be revisited by a whole bunch of them in one go. The good news is, your soul mate may be lurking around this swampy mess of tasty goodness. How many skirts will you have to lift up to find her? I have no idea. But you better get your self a good doctor. You are definitely going to need some penicillin. Your DVD of the week: Ghosts of Girlfriends Past [Blu-ray]

Virgo (August 23rd-September 22nd): I've got the perfect solution for your workday blues this week, Virgo. Its called: Your imagination. You need to work it like a muscle, and never let it sag or deflate. There are some pretty boring tasks headed your way soon. Mindless stuff that a monkey could do. But it is necessary, and it needs to get done. So, why don't you drift off into a make believe world of your own design. There, you can do just about anything. Pretend you are a detective, trying to solve the mystery of the hole punch. Or King of data entry. Anything to enliven your day. I sense you are on the road to depression, and that simply isn't worth your time. We need you happy, otherwise, how are you going to defeat the apocalypse? Your DVD of the week: Haunted World of El Superbeasto [Blu-ray]

Adam ResurrectedLibra (September 23rd-October 23rd): Are you tired of being treated like a dog, Libra? Do you always feel like people are taking advantage of you? Well, if you don't take a stand and put an end to it this week, you'll never diverge from this subservient way of life. You need to straighten your back and grow some nails, bitch! Claw their eyes out and spit rotten milk into their heart. You've got a lot of power welling up deep inside your bones. Activate that fist and start swinging. Otherwise, you will be a slave to the grind for the rest of your miserable life. And no man, except maybe an abusive boozer, will ever want anything to do with you. Get out there and kick the strong in the face. You may not win the battle, but you'll show them you mean business. Your DVD of the week: Adam Resurrected

Scorpio (October 24th-November 21): Scorpio, you should just stop while you are ahead. I know you want to blame your miserable personality on your father. But that is lame, and not necessarily the truth. While he helped shape your mind as a child, you've always been a surly brat. He certainly had nothing to do with that. Instead of looking for blame this week, maybe you should focus more on change. Take a good look at yourself in the mirror, and ask yourself, "How did I get to be so shameful?" You don't mean to say hurtful things to your friends and lovers. These words just come out. And then you're running around all week trying to fix things. Lame. Why don't you invest in a muzzle, and leave your childhood out of it? That might be your best bet. Your DVD of the week: Letter to Dad

Reincarnation of IsabelSagittarius (November 22nd-December 21st): A bomb is going to be dropped on your head this week, Sagittarius. You better get ready for some quite devastating news. Thing is, its good news. So you really can't go wrong there. Still, you are not going to believe your eyes and ears as the mysteries of the past are revealed in a long and playful courtship with the wrong sort of fellow. Could you be dating your cousin? Uh? What? I didn't say that, did I? Just be careful where your stick your pinkie toes, and just how deep you thrust them in. This pool isn't heated, and you may walk away goose bumps of the worst kind. Your DVD of the week: Mandie and the Secret Tunnel

Capricorn (December 22nd-January 19th): It's that time of year, Capricorn. Yes, you are in serious need of a makeover. You look dead to the world at this point, and smears of black ink from the pen in your office won't make for good mascara. You need to take a shower and get rid of these moth eaten clothes. What once was sexy is now becoming creepy and played out. You look like your fifth grade gym coach. Dust off that face of yours and pretty up the mess. You are a beautiful and charming person, and there is a guy waiting around the corner. He won't be able to find you when you're looking like a ghastly sight. Are you dead? No? Well, then, stop acting like a cadaver and saunter up to the local Walgreen's, purchase some over the counter make-up, and set that cougar free. Your DVD of the week: Reincarnation of Isabel

JonasAquarius (January 20th-February 18th): You've been dying for a good laugh, Aquarius. It's a little sad. In your tightly scrunched world of numbers and pencil sharpeners, there just isn't any room for humor. Jokes fall flat in this corporate headspace of yours. You wouldn't know funny if it belly flopped on your face. That's why you need to form a workforce tickle army and go on tickle recognizance. Sure, it could be seen as a form of sexual harassment, but people need to lighten up. And if no harm is done, then no foul. Get up out of your chair, and embark on this mission! I demand it of you. Your DVD of the week: Mr. Men Show: Season 1, Vol. 4 - Mr. Tickle Presents: Tickle Time Around Time!

Pisces (February 19th-March 20th): When did you get so old, Pisces? Geezus Chimney. You walk around, complaining about the bad ol' days, and then turn around and bitch about the bad new days. You need a little pep in your step. You need some salt shook on your life. Straighten that mess of unruly curls sitting atop your head and step out of that gray office suit for just one second this week. Trust me, you will feel like a new girl. You never used to be this crabby. If I lost my ball in your yard, I feel as though I'd never get it back. Put on some fun tunes and get your groove on. Stop messing with the early bird buffets and start eating out late at night. Visit a club. See a show. Do something, quick, please. You are starting to remind me of my grandma's surely friend. Your DVD of the week: Jonas, Vol. 1: Rockin' the House

(Remember, all of these movies can be purchased directly from us using the links provided!)

B. Alan Orange