Welcome to your weekly movie horoscope with Madame Millie Kilakilarney. She will point you in the direction of the DVDs you need to watch this week according to the astrological charts she keeps on her bedroom wall. If it's in the stars or on store shelves, she knows about it!

Italian SexAries (March 21st-April 19th): Its about time you experienced a different flavor in the bedroom. You aren't as narrow minded as your loins would suggest, so why do you only gravitate towards one municipal purpose when it comes to scratching that erotic itch? You need someone new in your heavily secluded life to take care of business behind closed doors. This week, you'll be approached by a stranger bearing bulging gifts of denim and lofty finger wags. He will smell like pepperoni and cheese, and look like a romance cover model. What are you going to do? Sit there and stare and not partake? I don't think so, sweetie. I demand that you rush into this oncoming wave headfirst and lick up all that glorious, showering sea foam. Your DVD of the week: Italian Sex

Taurus (April 20th-May 20th): Its time to taker another vacation, Taurus. But this one isn't so much for your mind as it is for your body. You've been neglecting that tingling sting between your legs for far too long. We all know you sit and stare at your cubicle mate with less than realistic goals. She can feel your eyes on her at all times of the day. My advice is: Don't shit where you eat. Take that loose change sitting on your counter and invest it in a high-class call girl that looks like your co-worker. Have her berate you and engage you in shameful horseplay. Work up a certain dislike towards her in a hotel far removed from your hometown. Then, maybe you'll be able to get some work done. Seriously, you are about to be fired. Your DVD of the week: Hotel Erotica: Season One

Orgies and the Meaning of LifeGemini (May 21st-June 21st): Gemini, you have to be careful in this day and age. You can't run around all willy-nilly, engaging in one sexually deprived act after another. You'll find this week that you have far too many sexual partners. And they will soon start to turn on you in both good and bad ways. Some will want commitment. Others will want to bring their friends into the bedroom along with you. Is this natural? Is this to your benefit? It surely can be, but you have to play your cards just right. You can't throw yourself into the next defacto orgy that comes along. Take time to consider the players. Think about their expertise when it comes to skin and grins. Also, realize your own interpersonal relationship skills and how they can better any given sexual situation. Do you want to see these people again? Maybe. So make it worth your while, and choose your army of dicks accordingly. Your DVD of the week: Orgies and the Meaning of Life

Cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd): It's sometimes hard for you to decide a person's worth in this world just by looking at them. Which will kill your constructive workmanship in the coming week, as you will be placed in a position to judge people on appearance only. Are they aliens or are they monsters? That is something you will have to figure out for yourself as you continue to search for the perfect assistant in the work place. Take a moment out to read about personality types and their advantages as held within the tasks you need to have achieved. Who is right for you in this world? Who is wrong for the job? Figuring this scheme out will lead you to an enlightened path of self-discovery. Heck, you might even learn that you've been hiding a pretty keen sense of humor deep within your ribcage all along. Your DVD of the week: Monsters vs. Aliens [Blu-ray]

ShortcutLeo (July 23rd-August 22nd): All of the praise you receive from your peers on a daily basis has done little to push you forward or accelerate your potential. Why? Because you've heard it all before. You've become numb to compliments, and you no longer find solace in the sexy chicks that want to bang you on a semi-regular basis. That's why you need to leave town this weekend and find something new. Something different. Just disappear. Fall of the map for a few days. Find a hotel in the middle of nowhere, and realize just how much magic you have welling up inside you. Leo, you are a rare beast. You can make just about anyone fall in love with you. The only problem is, you've forgotten this. Take a road trip and prove it to yourself once again. For some odd reason, you seem to need the boost. Your DVD of the week: Management

Virgo (August 23rd-September 22nd): What the fuck, Virgo? Its not like you to cut corners. You are always on time. You never make people wait. And you always do the best job possible. So why have you been slacking this week? Does the economy have you down? Are you worried about your job? Well, you better worry a little less and put a little more effort into the goals you are attempting to achieve. You've turned in some shoddy, piss poor projects lately, and that is not at all like you. Get your head out of the clouds and concentrate. You need to do these tasks on your own. Forget about any outside help, they are fogging your one true vision. And that is a vision we all need brought to fruition. Get back on track, or we're all doomed. You big jerk. Your DVD of the week: Shortcut

Hills Run RedLibra (September 23rd-October 23rd): Libra, you are one stubborn sonabitch. When you set out to do something, you make damn sure it gets done and placed in the proper box on time and in oder. You seal all envelopes, and you don't take any unnecessary shit. That makes you an upstanding member of the work force community, sure. But I am telling you this: Don't push ahead any further with the work plans you have this week. Your schematics are faulty, and your overall blueprint is going to turn into a pain for everyone involved. I know this is a very passionate subject for you. Just put it down and let it go. You don't need the aggravation it is bound to cause you and your loved ones. Seriously, leave it alone. Your DVD of the week: Hills Run Red

Scorpio (October 24th-November 21): Why do you whore yourself out to the lowest common denominator? Its unusual how low your self esteem has dropped these past few months, Scorpio. You need to shake off that dusty old skin and grow some balls. We all know you are a mean and cruel viper waiting to latch onto and destroy whatever old coot comes in contact with your dirty little mouth. But do you have to have so many boy toys on the side? They are a waist of your time; these obvious sadomasochists. Haven't you figured this out yet? I mean, they're dating you on a consistent basis, you must have known something was up. If you want to get your life back on track, end the consensual sex and stop taking money from horny old men. Otherwise, you will wind up in the gutter. Just like poor ol' mom. We don't want to see that fate bestowed upon you, Scorpio. Even though you're kind of a bitch, we still love you. Your DVD of the week: Girlfriend Experience

Island of the FishmenSagittarius (November 22nd-December 21st): I know fishing used to gross you out as a kid, Sagittarius, but you need some rest and relaxation in this life. And fishing might be the cure to your fall time blues. Its more exciting than anything on TV, and you can eat what you catch. Go get your license and rent a boat. Do it before you disappear into the ether. Its either that or continue to work with a frown on your face. The office has become a gloomy receptacle of non-loving people. You are only adding to the misery. Get out there and catch a whopper of a story for the folks in the lunchroom. It will not only make you feel better about yourself, your life, and your waning wife back home, it will give your co-workers some hope that they, too, can find happiness in the quaintest of activities. Your DVD of the week: Island of the Fishmen

Capricorn (December 22nd-January 19th): Dude, you've got to get into the box. The Sex Box! Yes, you have started to wither and die on the vine, and you're not even old yet. You need to experience a sexual awakening. Open your mind and your thighs to the unexplored country waiting just outside your bedroom window. Let your guard down. Accept those sexual advances from a co-worker. Go to the bar alone and get sloppy drunk. It'd be better than what you're doing right now. You need to loosen up and shake the cobwebs out of your urethra. Otherwise, you will die alone. This is your week to really grab ahold of that stranger's flesh and dive deep into the tissue muscle. It will be a delicious way to spend your next seven lunch breaks. Your DVD of the week: Sexy Box [4 Discs]

Missy's Beautiful JuggsAquarius (January 20th-February 18th): You are running out of personal space, and it is going to start affecting you personality this week, Aquarius. You used to have enough room to keep all of your personal junk hidden away. The love letters, the vibrators, the butt plugs. Now, you are even being crowded out of the bathroom. Heck, you can't even wipe your ass without some unwanted face showering you with disrespect. Reclaim what is rightfully yours. Get a jug, and hide away your most intimate secrets inside it. You'll need a safe hiding place. Some of the riddles you wish to guard could affect your performance in the work place if they are to be leaked to the internet. Stay the course, keep a loose lip, and all will be good in the end. Your DVD of the week: Missy's Beautiful Juggs

Pisces (February 19th-March 20th): Dang, Pisces. You are getting a little flabby around the waistline. Too much work and no play has exasperated your calorie intact. Stop pushing those pencils and start pushing open doors. Soon, you will be worshipping a newer, sexier you. All you have to do is devote a small amount of time to walking and lifting, and then you'll be back on the road to recovery. If you don't get a workout plan in effect this week, it could be detrimental to your health. You may never feel motivated ever again, and that lack of will power will certainly overshadow your relationships. Put down the free donuts and pick out a work out that wants to work for you. We don't want to see your fat ass bouncing around these parts no more. Fatty. Your DVD of the week: Fresh Tryouts

(Remember, all of these movies can be purchased directly from us using the links provided!)

B. Alan Orange at Movieweb
B. Alan Orange