Welcome to your weekly movie horoscope with Madame Millie Kilakilarney. She will point you in the direction of the DVDs you need to watch this week according to the astrological charts she keeps on her bedroom wall. If it's in the stars or on store shelves, she knows about it!

Queens of CountryAries (March 21st-April 19th): Isn't it about time you went back to your roots? You need to get in touch with both the countryside and your feminine side. You've been bucking along like a giant stud horse, ready to plow a hole in any given city sidewalk. Well, let's take a deep breath and take a break from that notion, shall we? You need a good, clean, fun family vacation right about now. It's the only thing that will do your wretched, blackening heart any good. Grab a ticket for that stagecoach, head off into the wild blue yonder, and yodel to your heart's content. You desperately need a break from all that greasy fast food that keeps piling up in your weakening gullet. Indulge in some good ol' home style family cooking. This detour will replenish your waning spirit, and make you a whole new person. Yes, by golly, it will. Your DVD of the week: Queens of Country

Taurus (April 20th-May 20th): You're in for a spot of trouble this week, Taurus. It seems you've been harboring hurtful secrets that could end a relationship or hurt a co-worker. Because of your lack of clarity, you've chosen to confide in the wrong person, and they are bound to stab you in the back. They are not only going to give up the goods on your close friend, they will be more than willing to spread certain rumors about you and your less than professional behavior behind closed doors, too. There's not much you can do at this point, the damage is done. What you'll need to do now is get a mop and a bucket. Stick close to the fallout, and hurry when cleaning up this mess. The livelihood you salvage in the process could be your own. Your DVD of the week: Betrayed

OctaneGemini (May 21st-June 21st): Do you feel that? It's the need...The need for speed! Things are going to start accelerating all around you. Will you be able to keep up, Gemini? At the moment, that seems doubtful. You've let yourself go. Too much time in the chair has made you slow and non-responsive. You better shake yourself awake, as you'll have to do some quick thinking on your feet. Do you have what it takes to run a quarter mile in under three seconds? Start taking the stairs. Do a little bit of jogging, and secure your heart's rightful place in that heaving chest of yours. No one likes a slouch, and soon, you'll be exposed for the couch potato you've become. Get in shape, fast ass! Your DVD of the week: Octane

Cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd): Why are you such a worrywart? Don't you know that worrying never did anybody any good? Things are going to happen the way they're supposed to happen. You can't stop the process of fate by thinking excessively about it. Shake away the stigma and become proactive. Take initial steps to stop the inevitable from happening. Go out there, and do something useful. Use your hands and your feet to run this race, don't race your mind around the track. You will use yourself up and become less than proficient when shit really hits the fan. Thinking is good, but you've over thought the situation. Stop dwelling on the seas of life. Especially since there's no real way to turn the current. Let that wave hit you, then swim. Dummy. Your DVD of the week: Nostradamus: 2012

Second ComingLeo (July 23rd-August 22nd): One of the biggest cliches on the market today states, "You never get a second chance at a first impression." Well, that's not entirely true, Leo. Even though you've arrived on the scene as both a friend stealer and an idolized presence, those few individuals who seemingly hate you for this are going to get a chance to see you in a whole new light. That's right, most beloved interplanetary being. The king of the jungle does have a few doubters in his midst. But not to fret. As luck would have it, a horrible situation is going to come out in your favor, and you will only gain newfound respect from the impending circumstances. You truly are a God, and only you could make a strong second impression. Your DVD of the week: Second Coming

Virgo (August 23rd-September 22nd): Virgo, there is no denying that you are incredibly intelligent. You might look at some things in a different, almost inappropriate light. But you know your ABCs and how to solve most elaborate Chinese math equations. Yet, you are lousy when it comes to street smarts. You've got no sense of self, and are more likely to find yourself in a grocery store tussle than the next guy is. Don't throw up those dukes just yet. You can overcome this malady by listening to the Leo's in your life. Take it one step at a time, and learn how to work and live amongst the more civilized folks. Find a mentor, and engage yourself in urban tactics. You'll need to talk your way out of more than one situation this week, and we'd all like to see you do it with your face intact. Your DVD of the week: Education of Charlie Banks

Street FighterLibra (September 23rd-October 23rd): You've never been too good at confrontations, Libra. You're way to smart, and far to skilled to engage yourself in mortal combat. You don't want death on your hands. And you certainly don't want to make your boss mad. Maybe you should funnel some of your upcoming aggressions into a sobriety field where punches and kicks are demanded, not frowned upon. Maybe its time to join a gym, or get a boxing certificate. You've got a lot of pent up rage, and no rightful place to put it. There are legal avenues for which to fuel some of this steam. Take your job and your romantic life out on an inanimate punching bag. Or jump in the ring with someone suffering similar issues. You may just work out all the wrong, and make a new friend in the process. Your DVD of the week: Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li [Unrated/Rated Versions] [2 Discs]

Scorpio (October 24th-November 21): Look, Princess. Just because people don't do everything you want and need at the drop of a hat doesn't make them any less unworthy of your love and attention. You have to understand that other people's unwillingness to indulge in your bad behavior doesn't necessarily make them horrible people. You've written far too many potential lovers off simply because they couldn't conform to your weird bedside manner. It might just be you that needs changing. Get a mirror, look deep into your own eyes, and tell me what you see? Yup, just as I thought. You're under some weird delusion that you are a grand mistress of the night, and the end all-be all of sexuality. Well, you're also a weirdo. Realize this, and maybe you'll fall madly in love with someone you'd never expect. Your DVD of the week: Princess Protection Program [Royal B.F.F. Extended Edition]

Secret DiarySagittarius (November 22nd-December 21st): Your own mortality: It is something you struggle with on a daily basis. It's a weird concept to consider, but you are going to die someday. If you can overlook this fact, and come to terms with it, you may be able to lead a better life. Maybe you wouldn't stress out so much. Heck, maybe you'd finally allow yourself to do some of the things you've only seen in movies. Go ahead, rack up that credit card bill. Dive out of that airplane. Have sex with that overweight receptionist you've been eyeing on your way out the door every night after work. The world is going to end soon. And it will end with your death. So seize the day. Eat a whole pizza. Do something you're truly afraid to do. You'll thank me for the experience later. Your DVD of the week: Everybody Dies

Capricorn (December 22nd-January 19th): You've been thinking about changing your job. I'm here to say, "You couldn't have chosen a better time to move on with your life!" But don't take the easy route. Shoot for the stars. Try something unexpected and new. You will find something you love to do. It will be so amazing, you won't even believe that you're getting paid for it. Yes, you have the potential to be something extraordinary in this life. So get up out of that chair, walk past your boss, and give him the finger. Then fly, damn it. You are a special creature, Capricorn. You have so many hidden talents, even you won't believe the praise coming your way soon. And the paycheck is going to be huge. Trust me on this one. Your DVD of the week: Secret Diary of a Call Girl: Season Two [2 Discs]

Sea BeastAquarius (January 20th-February 18th): You were born in the sign of water, and its there that you feel the best. But you might want to take a break from all those long showers. A bath is bound to dry out your skin, and there are weird and rare rashes awaiting you at the public pool. What you need is a quick steam and dry. Hop in and hop out. Otherwise, you will feel a tad bit uncomfortable in quite a few unmentionable places. You and water just aren't going to get along this week, Aquarius. This is rare, I know. But it will be for your own good. Not every pool of liquid is a righteous vacation away from the stress of your everyday life. Sometimes, those dripping oceans can add even more weight and stress to your already ruined day. Your DVD of the week: Sea Beast

Pisces (February 19th-March 20th): This week is going to come on like a giant puzzle. You'll have to figure each and every little piece out for yourself, Pisces. There won't be anyone there to hold your hand, putting these interlocking diagrams together for you. Only you will be able to see the bigger picture as it is slowly laid out on the floor in front of you. What will you do with this information once it's within your grasp? Hopefully, you will use it to help others, but knowing you, you'll selfishly contain it, and it will remain locked in your brain for sometime to come. Don't do that, jackass. Pass on the good word, and you will be rewarded accordingly. Other people have lives too, don't be so selfish. You imp. Your DVD of the week: 12 Rounds [Unrated/Rated Versions]

(Remember, all of these movies can be purchased directly from us using the links provided!)

B. Alan Orange at Movieweb
B. Alan Orange